Baby Steps May Be All You Need
Sometimes, small steps can have large consequences
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Paul closed his eyes for a second, regretting the words he had said to his last visitor – “Could you please engage brain before you come to me with this?” Paul was annoyed with himself as he had been working hard to avoid such outbursts.
Describing the episode, he said, “I was impatient because I didn’t want to be late going home. I’d already been late twice this week which is not fair to my wife who is managing three kids aged seven to ten and an infant. Mark walked into my office as I was about to leave. I sensed but couldn’t control my anxiety and snapped.”
Paul continued ruefully, “I’ve been watching my thoughts, like you’d asked us to, for the last three months, but I don’t think it’s helping me.” It’s true that the thought exercises I teach don’t always work, but I wondered if Paul, like some very bright people I meet, was resisting them.
Paul was the COO of a medium-sized manufacturing company in the Midlands of England when he came to my program. He had taken his current job seeking a slower pace from his previous, highly successful life as a consultant. The CEO hired Paul seeing him as a potential replacement for him. But Paul’s behavior had been getting in the way.
Describing what he hoped Paul would get from my program, his CEO said, “Paul is the smartest person in any room he’s in. But he needs to understand that speaking sharply to people doesn’t make them smarter. Switching off and looking at his email when they are talking doesn’t help either. He would make a great CEO if he would only get on better with his people.”
Ironically, Paul’s attempts to get on better with his people may have exacerbated his problems. He instituted an open-door policy inviting people to drop in whenever they wanted. Unfortunately, Paul was poor at multi-tasking so, when people interrupted him in the middle of something, he sometimes snapped.
I had suggested that Paul try a restricted open-door policy, like professors’ office hours. “Yes, my CEO suggested that too,” said Paul. “But I don’t want to go back on the access I have promised people, that will send a bad message.”
I saw Paul again in the final module of the program and braced myself for a difficult conversation. To my surprise Paul was all smiles and almost bounded in to our one-on-one meeting. “I made a change,” he said, “and it worked.”
I was delighted. “What did you do?” I asked.
“I leave my phone in my office, whenever I go to a meeting,” he said.
I waited. What did this have to do with the issue we were managing and why was Paul so happy?
“I found that if I don’t have my phone with me, I pay attention to the person speaking. I used to escape to my phone whenever I could, and now I don’t do that. Even when people come to my office, I say, ‘give me a second’, finish what I am doing and put my phone away.”
“And what about your temper,” I ventured.
“Look, it’s only been a few weeks,” said Paul. “I think I may have been short once or twice, but I no longer find myself regretting what I said.”
“Could it be that people appreciate your paying attention to them and so are more tolerant of your shortness?” I asked.
“That’s possible,” replied Paul thoughtfully. “All I can say is I’m feeling much calmer and people, including my wife, seem to agree.”
Paul and I stayed in touch even after the program ended. I was happy to see he was doing well, and was on track to succeeding his CEO, even though production and sales had fallen dramatically during Covid times.
I drew several hypotheses from that experience, of which I list two below:
I can’t always know what will help someone. I always knew that, but this was a useful reminder.
Baby steps not only get you started; they may be all you need. Paul tried to do many things at once – balance his family, be more present, not get irritated with people and run his business all at the same time. He did one thing that helped him be more present and that seemed to have a positive knock-on effect.
I look around me and notice several people I know, taking baby steps with good results:
Stop attending a key meeting to empower their subordinates to function without them
When reluctant to ask for help, begin by reaching out to just one person
Not hit “send” on an email after 8 pm
Block twenty minutes in their calendars in the middle of the day to do nothing – just breathe and watch their thoughts – to get back control over their time
Push their first alcoholic drink at parties to later and later in the evening to drink less
So, if you find yourself struggling with all the things on your plate, find a small step – and take it. The results may surprise you.
