Getting Past Feeling Down
When you’re feeling down, could you be avoiding something?
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Sometimes, it’s hard to believe anything can get you out of feeling down. Take Lisa, for instance (name and details disguised). Lisa worked as the Chief Operating Officer for a large college system and faced a challenge with her superior.
“This is not just a job to me,” said Lisa, “this is my life. I have dedicated thirty-five years to making college education accessible to the weakest segments of society. Each Commencement Day, my heart fills as I see students from the most straitened circumstances give themselves and their families a shot at breaking out of poverty and helplessness.”
Now, this was seemingly threatened by her new boss who proposed “cost-benefit appraisals” of different programs, and the termination of those with “no future”. “We always have resource issues,” said Lisa. “We go to the City and beg, cajole and threaten people for our annual budget. We rarely get everything we ask for, but we always make do. We never shut programs down.”
“I guess I’m feeling betrayed. I was the Chair of the Recruitment Committee that hired this new President. I spent so much time speaking to him as a candidate, never once getting a sense that he would be a cost-cutter. He spoke of how he too came from an under-privileged background and that he loved the mission of the colleges. He volunteered at Church-run educational institutions, donated to scholarships at our colleges and served on our Advisory Board. He was our perfect candidate.”
“And now, at the first sign of a difficult year because of this virus, he wants me to prepare a priority list of programs we can let go. That goes against everything I believe in.”
“The defusion exercises helped me until now. I love the one with the leaves on the stream. I always come out of it feeling calm – knowing that though I don’t control circumstances, I can manage my reactions. But this time, nothing seems to help me. I’m ready to hand in my resignation, sell my apartment, and move out to my house on the island.”
“I’ve nothing to look forward to. The Board loves this President. They’re starry-eyed about his ‘business’ background. He produces pretty graphs that consultants draw for him – why we’re still paying consultants while cutting down programs, I don’t know – and the graphs dazzle the Board. That and his language about ‘social cost benefit’ and ‘social return on investment’ convinces them his arguments are legitimate.”
“After the last Extraordinary Board Meeting where the President presented his restructuring plans, some Board members called me privately to see how I was doing. They made sympathetic noises when I said the proposed changes went against our charter but, I could tell, they weren’t going to push back against the President.”
“I don’t want to hang around in an environment that reminds me constantly that I failed. I don’t know whom to turn to for help as our Board members seem to be mesmerized by our President. I’d stay if I thought something would change, but I just don’t see that happening.”
Sense making
Lisa and I had worked together for several months before the conversation described above. I tell her story here because, in these resource-constrained times, many of you face challenges like Lisa’s. You too may see no way forward and just thinking about your situations gets you seriously down.
First, it’s possible that what you are experiencing may be more than just “feeling down”. If you think you might be depressed (see symptoms here), perhaps speaking to a therapist or other mental health professional would help.
If, like Lisa and most people I work with, you don’t feel the need to speak to a therapist, ask yourself a simple question: Is feeling down helping you avoid looking at something? John Sarno hypothesized that pain may distract you from unpleasant thoughts (see here). Similarly, is staying down helping you avoid something too? After a few more weeks of working together, I asked Lisa the same question:
“I was probably trying not to think of the hard work that lay ahead of me. We were all exhausted with the enormous effort it had taken to put all our programs online. The thought that I had to now build a campaign – find supporters for programs and influence Board members to push back against the President – felt tiring; so, instead, I wallowed.”
“You told me two weeks ago not to think of the whole campaign ahead of me but to take the first step. So, I did. I made a phone call. Just that made me feel a bit better. It has only gotten easier after that.”
In these turbulent times, we need to grieve. There’s no clear dividing line beyond which grieving becomes wallowing. So, if you find yourself down for extended periods, ask yourself if you might be avoiding something – something you need to do.
When you find that something, see if you can take a small step – spread your wings – you may discover you feel better.
