Weakening Negative Thoughts

These may indeed be difficult times

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but they don’t have to be overwhelming.

Whenever our resilience weakens, it’s because of our thoughts. We cannot control the thoughts we have, but we can weaken their negative effects. To do this you can practice viewing your thoughts as somehow separate from you. This is what I have encouraged you to do in my previous notes, by paying attention and watching thoughts.

Sometimes, though, merely watching thoughts doesn’t improve how you feel. For those occasions, an exercise popularized by Steven Hayes*, can be helpful. There are several others you will find if you Google “defusion exercises”. I describe this one because it resonates best with my program participants – accomplished leaders facing difficult times.

Before I explain the exercise, examine what may be going through your head, right now. Search for thoughts like:

“This is going to be the usual pop psychology mumbo jumbo.”

“Oh, come on, what does he mean – ‘view thoughts as separate from you’?”

“Sure, I could use some help; but I don’t think some weird exercise will help me.”

Don’t stop with a cursory search for doubts of this kind, really look for them. Even though a part of your mind accepts that you would like to weaken negative thoughts, another part may be erecting skeptical barriers. Finding this latent skepticism before getting started, is important for the exercise to succeed.

Skepticism may arise because you don’t understand how an exercise works. Evidence supporting cognitive defusion exercises can be found here. Skepticism may also arise because you don’t want to believe the exercise can work. There could be several reasons for this, including depression, which I will discuss in my next note.

The Exercise

Sit comfortably in a place where you will not be disturbed. Mute all devices and set a timer for 20 minutes.

1. Read the description below, then close your eyes and imagine yourself there

On a crisp Fall morning, you have been walking in the hills. After walking for a few hours, you feel warm and pleasantly tired. You’re ready to take a break before moving on to the next leg of your walk.

As you look for a place to stop, you come across a mountain stream. The path takes you on a small bridge across it, but you decide to sit on rocks by the side of the stream. You take off your backpack, jacket, hiking boots and socks. Rolling up your jeans, you walk into the bitingly cold water.

Rejuvenated, you walk out of the water and sit, leaning back on the rocks. The breeze feels cool, yet not cold, cutting through your clothes now that you’ve taken your jacket off. The blood warms your recently chilled feet.

Hear the stream as it flows past the stones in front of you. It is neither deep nor wide so it doesn’t make a loud sound; just a pleasant, unceasing gurgle that can put you to sleep if you let it.

This is Fall, so the stream is full of leaves that float past you. Some get stuck behind stones until the next eddy of water frees them and moves them on again. Others, towards the center of the stream, seem to float down unhindered. Watch how each leaf goes past you and disappears into the distance – some go quickly, others slowly.

2. Moving to your thoughts

Once you can feel yourself beside the stream, close your eyes and draw your attention to thoughts that cause you distress. Be as specific as you can in identifying thoughts.

For example, “My job” is not specific. “I think I might lose my job,” pinpoints what is distressing you.

Another example – “The kids” doesn’t tell you much. “I’m going to have to tell the kids that we can’t afford a holiday, this year,” identifies your concern.

Once you identify thoughts that worry you, more thoughts follow, one after the other. Now, bring yourself back to the stream. For each thought you encounter, visualize it written in words on a leaf in the stream. Follow that leaf as it floats gently away from you. Do the same with every negative thought – see it written on a leaf and watch it float gently away from you.

At times, you may be trapped by a specific thought and you lose the sense of the stream. Don’t struggle. Bring yourself to feel the cool breeze, hear the stream again and see negative thoughts written on a leaf float away from you.

3. When the timer buzzes

Turn off the timer and stay with your eyes closed for a few minutes. Remember where you were, and the peaceful sensations of the stream and its surroundings. File it away like you might file away a happy dream to revisit.

Return to the stream and repeat the exercise every time you feel in the grip of negative thoughts. Like my participants, you will find yourself calmer and less captured by those thoughts.

*From Steven C Hayes, Get out of your mind and into your life.